Understanding Covert Narcissism: The Behavior of a Covert Narcissist Mother
Narcissism is a term often associated with grandiosity and overt self-importance. However, narcissistic traits can also manifest in more subtle, covert ways. Covert narcissism, also known as vulnerable or introverted narcissism, involves a more subtle form of narcissistic behavior characterized by quiet, passive-aggressive, or victim-like tendencies. When a mother exhibits covert narcissistic traits, the impact on her children can be profound and complex. This blog post delves into the behaviors of a covert narcissist mother, exploring how her actions can affect her children and offering strategies for navigating these challenging dynamics.
What is Covert Narcissism?
Covert narcissism differs from the more commonly recognized overt narcissism, which is marked by overt arrogance, self-admiration, and a need for validation. Covert narcissists, on the other hand, tend to display their narcissistic traits in a more subtle and passive manner. They might appear vulnerable or insecure, yet still exhibit manipulative and self-centered behaviors.
Key Traits of Covert Narcissism:
Victim Mentality: Covert narcissists often view themselves as victims of circumstance or others' actions.
Passive-Aggression: Instead of direct confrontation, they use passive-aggressive tactics to express dissatisfaction or control.
Lack of Empathy: They may struggle to genuinely empathize with others' feelings or experiences.
Attention-Seeking: They seek validation and attention, but often through subtle or indirect means.
Hypersensitivity to Criticism: Covert narcissists may react strongly to perceived slights or criticism, often with defensive or hurtful responses.
How a Covert Narcissist Mother Behaves
1. Playing the Victim
A covert narcissist mother often portrays herself as a victim, seeking sympathy and attention from others. She may frequently recount how she has been wronged by life or other people, presenting herself as the center of constant trials and tribulations.
Example: Mary’s mother often shares elaborate stories about her hardships, highlighting how unfairly she’s been treated by family members or colleagues. When Mary tries to discuss her own challenges, her mother quickly shifts the focus back to herself, reinforcing the narrative of her own suffering.
Impact on Children: Children of covert narcissist mothers may feel neglected or invalidated, as their mother’s victim narrative overshadows their own needs and experiences. They might also learn to prioritize their mother's emotional needs over their own, leading to skewed relational dynamics.
The character Livia Soprano on The Sopranos is a great example of a mother who displays narcissistic traits.
2. Subtle Manipulation and Control
Covert narcissist mothers often use subtle manipulation to maintain control over their children. This manipulation may not be overtly aggressive but is expressed through indirect tactics such as guilt-tripping, emotional blackmail, or silent treatment.
Example: Lisa’s mother often uses guilt to manipulate her. When Lisa wants to go out with friends, her mother might say, “I guess I’ll just be alone again, as usual,” making Lisa feel responsible for her mother’s loneliness and thereby influencing her decisions.
Impact on Children: This behavior can create a sense of perpetual guilt and responsibility in children, leading them to prioritize their mother’s needs over their own desires and boundaries. It can also lead to difficulties in asserting independence and making autonomous decisions.
This weaponizing of guilt is also something that is commonly seen in enmeshed families.
3. Emotional Withholding
A covert narcissist mother may withhold emotional support or affection as a way to control and manipulate her children. This behavior can be subtle, making it challenging for children to recognize it as abusive.
Example: Whenever Tom seeks affection or praise from his mother, she responds indifferently or with minimal encouragement. She might say, “Oh, that’s nice,” without showing genuine interest or enthusiasm. Tom learns to seek validation elsewhere, feeling emotionally neglected.
Impact on Children: Emotional withholding can lead to feelings of inadequacy and low self-esteem in children. They may struggle with forming healthy self-worth and may seek validation from external sources to fill the emotional void left by their mother’s lack of support.
Being on the receiving end of emotional withholding can result in the development of an insecure attachment style, as a child in this situation learns to not expect to receive comfort or care from others. Often, they either then learn to not ask for comfort, or they can find themselves seeking comfort from individuals who are incapable of giving it to them.
4. Passive-Aggressive Behavior
Instead of expressing anger or dissatisfaction directly, a covert narcissist mother may use passive-aggressive tactics. This behavior can manifest as sarcasm, backhanded compliments, or subtle undermining of the child’s achievements.
Example: Julia’s mother might say, “It’s great you got an A on your test, but don’t get too excited. It’s not like you’re going to get into an Ivy League school.” This backhanded comment undermines Julia’s achievement and diminishes her success.
Impact on Children: Passive-aggressive behavior can create confusion and self-doubt in children. They may struggle to understand whether their achievements are genuinely valued or if they are being subtly criticized, leading to insecurity and anxiety.
5. Inconsistent Affection and Approval
A covert narcissist mother may offer affection and approval intermittently, creating a cycle of emotional highs and lows for her children. This inconsistency can be emotionally destabilizing and can lead to unhealthy patterns of seeking approval.
Example: Emma’s mother might shower her with praise and affection when she performs well or meets her expectations but become distant and cold when Emma does not meet her standards. Emma learns to perform to receive affection but is often left feeling uncertain about her mother’s true feelings.
Impact on Children: Inconsistent affection can lead to difficulties in establishing a stable sense of self-worth. Children may become overly dependent on external validation and struggle with self-confidence and emotional stability.
6. Using Children to Boost Self-Esteem
Covert narcissist mothers may use their children as a means to boost their own self-esteem. This behavior often involves using the child’s achievements or attributes to gain admiration or praise from others.
Example: Karen’s mother constantly boasts about Karen’s academic achievements to friends and family, using Karen’s success to enhance her own image. However, when Karen needs support or recognition, her mother is less interested or dismissive.
Impact on Children: Children who are used in this way may feel like mere extensions of their mother’s identity rather than valued individuals in their own right. This can lead to difficulties in forming a sense of personal identity separate from their mother’s expectations.
Coping Strategies for Children of Covert Narcissist Mothers
Recognize and Validate Your Experiences: Understanding that you are dealing with a covert narcissist can help you validate your own experiences. Acknowledge your feelings and perceptions as legitimate, even if they are not acknowledged by your mother.
Establish Boundaries: Setting clear boundaries with a covert narcissist mother is crucial for maintaining your emotional well-being. Define what behavior is acceptable and what is not, and be prepared to enforce these boundaries consistently.
Seek External Support: Talking to a therapist or counselor can provide valuable support and perspective. Therapy can help you process your experiences, develop coping strategies, and build self-esteem independent of your mother’s influence.
Develop Self-Awareness: Focus on developing a strong sense of self-worth and self-awareness. Engage in activities and relationships that affirm your value and identity outside of your mother’s approval or criticism.
Practice Self-Care: Prioritize self-care and engage in activities that promote your well-being. Self-care can help you manage stress and maintain emotional resilience in the face of challenging interactions with your mother.
Conclusion
A covert narcissist mother’s behavior can create a complex and emotionally challenging environment for her children. By understanding the subtle tactics of covert narcissism, such as playing the victim, subtle manipulation, and emotional withholding, children can better recognize and address the impact of these behaviors.
Navigating a relationship with a covert narcissist mother requires self-awareness, boundary-setting, and external support. By prioritizing your own emotional well-being and seeking professional guidance, you can manage the effects of covert narcissism and work towards building a healthier sense of self and relationships.