What Is Enmeshment Trauma?
Overview
Many individuals have come into contact with someone who is enmeshed at some point in their life, but may not have known the term for it. More common pop psychology terms like “codependent” or “mama’s boy” can describe some of what an enmeshed dynamic looks like. In popular media, TV shows like I Love A Mama’s Boy and sMothered depict families where severe enmeshment is present. Often, individuals who are enmeshed can experience a poor sense of self and have difficulty identifying their own needs and wants, as they have been trained to think primarily about what the person they are enmeshed with would prefer.
What It Feels Like To Be Enmeshed
Individuals growing up in an enmeshed family environment may struggle to establish their own identity and sense of self. Sometimes, individuals confuse close families, which are often seen in Hispanic, Mediterranean, Middle Eastern, Eastern European and Asian cultures, with enmeshed families, but there are key differences. What characterizes an enmeshed family is a sense of fear, guilt and obligation in addition to hostility if and when an individual expresses a different viewpoint. Individuals in enmeshed families may be ostracized for expressing any differences when it comes to politics, for example. In other enmeshed families, there is the expectation that a certain career path will be followed. Accordingly, it is not uncommon for enmeshed families to contain individuals with narcissistic traits.
How Do Enmeshed Families Form?
In enmeshed families, individuals perpetuating an enmeshed dynamic typically have a fear of abandonment. Sometimes these individuals come from families where a major trauma or extreme poverty was experienced, which made sticking together important for survival. Other times, these individuals come from family systems where a parent was seriously ill or died early. Often, these parents come from families where they, too, experienced being enmeshed. Sometimes, children who are parentified can be part of an enmeshed family system; they may experience extreme guilt for wanting to pursue their own interests or spend time away from a parent who may be ill, for instance. In these situations, children become accustomed to ignoring their own needs or preferences in favor of what would be preferred by a parent.
How Enmeshment Impacts Romantic Relationships
Many times, individuals in an enmeshed family can be quite successful in their careers or friendships but start to experience problems when in a serious romantic relationship. Individuals from enmeshed families may have trouble prioritizing the needs of a romantic partner over the needs of a parent, for example. Enmeshed men may say things like “my mother will always come first”. They may unconsciously compare their partner to their mother and may experience severe anxiety when thinking about starting a family of their own or moving away from home. A certain amount of anxiety when considering a major life change is of course, normal, but if it is a pattern that any time a relationship becomes serious, an individual starts to panic, this could be a sign that they are enmeshed. Sometimes, a fear of commitment or an unwillingness to commit can mask deeper issues pertaining to enmeshment. Enmeshment is also correlated with compulsive sexual behavior or sexual addiction.
Signs You Are In A Relationship With Someone Who Is Enmeshed
While none of these signs definitively prove that you are in an unhealthy relationship, these points can represent common things experienced by individuals who find themselves dating someone who is enmeshed:
You consistently feel compared to your partner’s parent
You feel that your partner consistently prefers to spend time with their parent over spending time with you
You notice that your partner takes any advice or recommendations from their parent as gospel but tends to ignore advice that you provide
There are poor boundaries between your partner and their parent; they are always stopping by their apartment or interrupting your communication
You notice that your partner’s parent seems to dislike you and/or tries to compete with you
Your partner’s parent is constantly criticizing you
Your partner’s parent feigns illness or incompetence to get them to spend more time with them
What To Do If You’re In A Relationship With Someone Who Is Enmeshed
Often, this is a very tough spot to be in, as most individuals will not respond kindly to the suggestion that they might be in an enmeshed family; they may deny that anything is wrong, which can easily make a person feel as though they are being gaslit. A helpful book for an individual who suspects that they are in a relationship with someone who is enmeshed is When He’s Married To Mom.
Talking to friends and family who see your perspective can be very helpful in this situation, as can speaking with a licensed therapist who is familiar with enmeshment and the dynamics within enmeshed families. Typically, it is less complicated if an individual is only dating an individual from an enmeshed family system and is not married to them. Ultimately, an individual in this situation typically needs to decide if they can get their needs met while involved in this dynamic, and if they are willing to sacrifice that in the long term.
For more information on this topic, check out the video below: